Fit vs. Fiction's Blog

Recover means being ok with not feeling ok all the time.

Posted in Uncategorized by fitvsfiction on September 15, 2012
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Tomorrow night I am attending my Summer Camp Reunion. I started going to Pine Valley camp when I was 8 years old and kept going every summer until I was 13.

This is my first “Reunion” type thing and while I’m super excited to see friends I haven’t seen or even spoken to in over 30 years, but I have a confession to make:

There was a moment when I first heard about the get together, when I felt a tinge of panic and thought, ” Ack! I wish I looked better.”

I feel like a bit of an idiot when I say that, since I’ve spent the last few years of my life completely dedicated to helping people learn how NOT to judge themselves on how they look. I LITERALLY wrote the book on how to encourage positive body image in kids. I should know better.

The panic didn’t last and I bought my ticket. A few weeks ago, the nerves came back. Between being super busy with family stuff and putting the finishing touches on my book, my diet and workout routine has taken a back seat and I’m not feeling as strong as I’d like.

Does the fact that I still go through phases of self-doubt mean that my recovery is in jeopardy or that it’s not as strong as it used to be?


Here’s what I’ve learned:

Recovery from my eating disorder is very different than I thought it would be. I always thought that I would know I was “cured” when I loved the way I looked and felt great about myself every single day. I imagined it would mean waking up every morning and think, “I look SPECTACULAR!” and never,ever worry about my weight.

But guess what? That’s not what my recovery turned out to be. What I’ve discovered is that recovery for me is not about how I look, or even about how I feel about how I look. My recovery is about what I DO with how I feel about how I look.

My recovery isn’t weak because I doubt myself now and then, it’s STRONG because I don’t let this doubt keep me from living my life the way I deserve to.

If this were a few years ago, I would not be going tomorrow night. I would be too worried about not measuring up to the other people who will be there. I would let my insecurities keep me from connecting with amazing people and making new memories while laughing over old ones.

But this isn’t then. This is now.

Recovery isn’t about feeling great ALL the time. It’s about being able to recognize the difference between a FEELING and a FACT. It’s about knowing that while I may FEEL inadequate at times, it’s a feeling that will pass and I will not wallow in it or allow it to keep me from experiencing all the amazing adventures that come my way.

A few years ago, I HAD to look perfect because I felt that I had nothing else to offer, but today I like who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished.

Camp was an amazing time for me. It would be a few more years before the challenges started coming fast and hard. I’m looking forward to remembering as much of it as my 42 year old brain will allow.

My recovery isn’t about how I look or how much I weigh. My recovery is in the fact that regardless of how I look or what I weigh OR how I may feel about how I look or what I weigh, I am confident in WHO I AM and cannot wait to hang with my PVC peeps on Saturday night!



5 Responses to 'Recover means being ok with not feeling ok all the time.'

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  1. Lauren said,

    LOVE this…I have my 20th high school reunion a week from tomorrow and I am right there with you…feeling the same way about the whole thing. Have FUN tomorrow night! 🙂

    • fitvsfiction said,

      I will.
      Enjoy yourself at YOUR reunion!

  2. Nicole said,

    Well said. I like that you say “My recovery is about what I DO with how I feel about how I look.” I find that is true with a lot of things I struggle with. They don’t go away, but how I deal with them is different and key.

    Have fun at your reunion.


    • fitvsfiction said,

      Thanks Nicole!
      Being in recovery doesn’t mean the challenges go away, it just means we find healthier ways to deal with them.

  3. […] 1. Marci Warhaft-Nadler at Fit vs. Fiction’s reminds us that there will always be times of question, but falling back into a place of shame isn’t the answer. Sometimes it just means you don’t feel OK all the time. […]

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